It is under the heading "What I have learnt as a comic", enjoy....
All comedy is subjective. Just because you find it funny and your mates find it funny, doesn't mean I find it funny. But that doesn't mean it's not funny.
Every comedian who drives thinks they're being exploited. I've never had a comic ring me up and say "We're working together, wanna lift?"
Never trust a Russell, they are only in it for the fuck.
If a moment presents itself on stage and the only thing that comes into your head to deal with the situation is one of my lines, use it. The gig is more important than my ego.
Make sure what you're saying is factually correct. Funny yes, but also correct.
Not liking the new bright thing doesn't make me bitter. I'm happy at my place.
Knowing you're good is why you're up there.
If you think you have an edge, you have an edge.
When a comic says to another comic "If you had kids, you'd know why that's not funny", I think, "When you gave life, something inside you died".
Two minutes on The Comedy Roadshow does not entitle you to a tour.
If you really look like someone, point it out. Otherwise people in the audience will sit there thinking, "Who do they look like?"
The punter has paid to hear you perform. That is where the contract ends. You don’t have to be their mate and drink with them.
Don't vicar the audience. By that I mean, don’t stand at the exit fishing for compliments.
TV producers will tell you to think out of the box and then present you with a ball.
An agent/manager works for you. You don't work for them.
Gag hags, groupies and funny fanny: on a rainy night in Rhyl with an audience of thirty, your guard will drop. If it does, remember - don't bite, spank or insert anything until there is clearance from the tower.
Fame makes you a target for other peoples’ dissent. But it also allows you to put your ethics into play.
Always but always, listen to Ivor Dembina.
If you think you're funny, don't give up. If stand-up is not for you, there are always options. Some of the most mediocre comics have become some of the best TV writers, west end playwrights and crime novelists.
Talk about what you know. And if you trained as a vet, fuck 'em. Cats and dogs it is.
Three of my favourite gigs: at one of them I was pissed, another E'd off my head, the other coked up. Me AND the audience had a really good time. I'd probably never do it again - too old - but never let anyone tell you what "professional" is.
With TV comedy Practice & Standards do not have a funny bone in their body. Just smile and move on.
There is nothing funnier then swearing puppets.
If you call someone a cunt, stand by it. Many years ago I called a runner a cunt and they now are a TV channel controller. He got there by being true to himself.
They may be your best friend in comedy, but be prepared to lose them when TV comes a-calling.
If you run a gig and you send out a mass email asking comics for availability for the weekend, it doesn't take a minute to send a mass email saying "Thanks, filled the slot".
The real comedy geniuses are some of the most arrogant people alive. And I can forgive them that because of their body of work.
If you're MC-ing, take a moment to look at the bill. Don't do ten minutes of whacky improvised schtick on a punter’s gay B&Q shirt and then bring on someone who’s a one-liner. It's not fair on the act or the crowd.
All brothers steal each other’s jokes, and I mean you - Walkers, Maiers, Manfords...and black acts.
No subject is off limits. None. Comedy is the last bastion of freedom of speech. Comics will tell you to stay away from some topics because they have no appropriate funny lines. If they had a killer joke about Rosa Parks, cot death and skull-fucking a puppy they would be closing on it.
Never try out jokes on your other half. The cold blank far-off stare really hurts.
I created the expression "fingered by a skip". Fact. And "face like a plasterer’s radio". If you create something that can be remembered expect it to be repeated.
You can't beat a funny Indian. Well, you could when we had an Empire.
Never bring a copy of The Stage into a dressing room.
Postcode comedy is fine at a benefit or a corporate. Don't do fifteen minutes about the roadworks at Amperton Avenue in Cheetham Hill, rip the room with your local northern knowledge and then bring on someone from Brighton. Unless that person did it to you when you were playing their gig in Brighton.
The majority of deaths are self-inflicted.
If you’re on stage re-enacting porn-watching, don't tilt your head to the side.
Enjoy working the trenches. These have been and still are the happiest memories of my life. Youngsters that are being fast-tracked to telly will never go around the world for free, never wonder if they should do the Free Fringe and never play Rhyl on a rainy night to thirty people.
Discrimination based on age, gender, sexual orientation, physical ability, appearance, intelligence and penis size can be funny. I am oaf enough to laugh at any of the above as long as the punch line is right.